{ Aneurysm heart: Sweet mother of mine, please }

So, dah lama juga aku tak berblog ni sebab aku sibuk dengan a few personal things thats has been happening in my life recently. Banyak sangat benda nak setel and banyak benda nak pikir. I just dont understand why people can stand the feeling to be at home doing nothing. 

I went to mum's regular check up and it went well. The doc said my mum's blood and kidney and everything is all excellent except for one thing. Her heart! Oh mother...her beautiful heart. Even though my mum's having a hard time with her legs and the whole operation fiasco, the heart is the main thing that we both cam boast about. Sebab bila orang tanya "mak ada sakit jantung? " dengan bangganya i will answer " no, mak sihat just kaki je problem sebab athritis tu." 

But,sadly, today, thats not the case. Doctor cakap my mum ada aneurysym heart. Wth!? Well, means mak aku ada masalah jantung dari saluran darah dia. Ada swelling kat pembuluh darah dia and that swelling if not treated quickly, akan burst in her body and can be fatal. Fatal!!!! That is such a bad word in customer care service. At least the doctor can make some effort to sugarcoat the words a lil bit.

Call me emo or whatever, masa doc tu cakap sambil explain the xray of my mum's heart, aku dah nak melalak kat situ but aku simpan je. Dada aku dah sakit dah time tu. Aku tahan gak. Dalam kereta, both of us diam je. Maybe sebab shock kot. But, air mata aku ni dah bertakunggg dalam mata and buat mata aku pedihhhh je. Tapi, gagahkan hati gak. Dalam hati aku dok cakap, aku boleh hadap lagi benda ni..boleh lagi. Bukannya doctor tu kata mak aku dah stage dangerous. Still kene refer pada another doc pakar and doktor tu akan tgk whether is it surgical or medical.

If surgical, percentage of survival all bergantung pd the condition of the heart. Dengan umur mak aku, the wall of her heart is quite thin and if tak handle bebetul can rupture while she is on the table. The doctor tak salah, dia cerita pada aku so that aku siap sedia dengan apa yg akan jadi. Memikirkan benda tu, aku rasa jantung aku plak yang sakit. 

Aku ni bukan apa, kalau sesiapa kenal mak aku, mesti tahu aku rapat gila dengan dia. Rapat sangat. Aku anggap dia kawan baik aku. Dengan dia aku tak bole tipu perasaan sebenar aku. Aku tak bole cover whether aku tgh marah, sedih or whatever. She will know. And can u imagine, kalau mak kau dah takde? Means aku and abang aku takkan ada sesiapa lagi dah. Just have each other and that is quite sad for me. 

Masa hilang abang aku, aku rasa macam sesak nafas sebab walau abang aku tu ada negative side of him, aku sayang dia. And bila bapak aku takde, aku rasa macam aku hilang separuh dari diri aku ni. Dada aku masa tu, tuhan je yang tahu. Aku tak bole bayangkan kalau mak aku....aku xnk pikir sikit pun... Apa2 pun, aku harap mak aku akan okay anf nothing bad gonna happen to her. My sweet mum....i love u more than anyone can love u...but akak takkan dapat kalahkan arwah ayah sayang kan mak..haha. Apa pun, aku kena stay strong...